In Reply to Your Emails

I’ve been hearing from you since my last post, seems I ruffled a few feathers.  (Giggle). Thanks for writing me nonetheless, I do appreciate it.  Though I’d like to say that while I love getting emails from you, I’m challenging you to be less cowardly and simply leave a comment. (I dare you!) You can do it anonymously and all feedback is good feedback, so I will post your comment. Even if it is a bit on the illogical side. (Sigh) Perhaps the reason you email me instead of commenting is so I could reply privately. Was that the plan? If it was you should have been specific, because I’m about to air all your dirty laundry. (And I’m going to enjoy the process too).

It seems we are divided by gender on the issue of the sexless affair, Keeping  Affairs to Yourself. Males seem to believe it is all “fair play” and “harmless flirting” in the absence of sex. Females are prone to believe that “from the time (your partner) starts calling (the other person) first thing in the morning and last thing at night, it’s time for the earrings to come off and the (tool used for weeding) to get beat down”. That was, by the way, one of the best emails I’ve ever received.

But one person did raise a great point in the form of a question (worth $500 on Jeopardy).“Was I trying to suggest there’s no such thing as a platonic friend?” I wasn’t at all. (Shame on you!) But since you brought it up, let’s address it, shall we?

Usually the person you’re dating is smarter then you give them credit for. Unfortunately, not always, but usually. That means we usually know the difference between your genuine platonic friend and your pretend platonic friend, that you’re secretly hoping to get lucky with. That’s right, we sure do. Real platonic friends are the best. These are encouraged. But the fakers have got to go.

One of my best friends described the platonic friend as “what happens when someone likes you but they’re ugly”.  (Classic!) Laughter aside, it is possible to have friends of any sex that are really just your friends. Some of them always have been and always will be. We can’t say the same for our romantic partners. Therefore it’s important not to let your romantic relationships interfere with your friendships. And as long as you keep things on the up and up, they shouldn’t.  But Chris Rock said (I’m paraphrasing and deleting the expletives), the platonic friend is really a back-up plan, the ‘break glass in case of emergency’ option for when your current relationship fails. If this is closer to your description, then you may have issues in the future. And that’s all I’m saying about that.

To those of you who “love the blog”, who are “inspired”, “tickled pink”, "ROTFLOL" or are even “not sure what to say in the comments because it left (you) so emotional”, thanks for your emails. 

To the one guy who thinks I wrote ‘Breaking –up beautifully. 10 Easy Steps’ just for you, I did. Glad things went smoothly. (Glad for you that is, not her.)

And to everyone who follows, officially or unofficially,  keep reading, keep sharing and keep loving out loud.

Keeping Affairs to Yourself

Have you had an affair recently? Before you act all astonished that I had the audacity to ask and before you launch into a long-winded self-righteous response filled with offence and exasperation, let’s be sure you understand me clearly.

I think from my initial question you’re of the opinion that I’m suggesting you’ve had an affair. You know, cheated. Well as a matter of fact, I am. (Yes, I said it). What I want to know is if you’ve done it (again) recently, within the last year. Still can’t believe I asked? I still can’t believe you think you’re innocent. Because believe or not, you’ve had an affair. At some point. Disagree? Let’s call a truce. Perhaps if we better understand each other, we can mutually agree, I’m right.

In order to establish that you’ve had an affair at some point, we will first need to determine what an affair is. How silly, since we all know what an affair is already. Do we?

In layman’s terms an affair is cheating, two-timing, being unfaithful, having a fling, a little hanky-panky on the side, messing about, or (my personal favorite) ringing a horn in someone. But in more definitive terms, having an affair is having an amorous or intimate relationship with someone other than the person you’re (already) in a committed relationship with. So, if you’re having an intimate need fulfilled by someone other than the person you’re with, you’re cheating. With me so far? Because the meat of the matter here is that you don’t need to be having sex to be having an affair. (Ahhah!). And that right there is how you just got caught.

We all want different things out of relationships, but some of the basic things we’re all looking for, are more or less the same. This must be true or otherwise we’d all still be single. So let’s cover some of the basic necessities. And while we’re at it, let’s look where your relationship’s needs are being met. And at who’s really meeting them.

Like Super-glue (or a Paris Hilton Weave) – Bonding / Time

First things first, in order to be in a relationship we’re going to need to relate to each other. That means we’re going to have to get to know each other and then we’ve got to bond. We’ll talk and spend quality time, and chat about and do just about anything and everything together. In the early stages of relationships this is easy. It’s when you’ve been together for awhile you have to work at this. Date night helps. And don’t forget to do the little things like leave ‘I love you’ messages in your partner’s hand bag or briefcase. Above all, keep talking to each other.

But with all the ways we stay socially connected, Facebook, chat-rooms, Blackberry Messenger (and so on), if we’re not careful we can easily spend more time talking to other people than we spend talking to our spouse. Worse still, you can easily build relationships with special ‘friends’ who share a common interest. And before you know it, you’ve got another relationship blossoming in the left wing.

If you take a moment and think of who you chatted with most in the last 30 minutes, (smile) and if that person you just thought about, (who made you smile), is not your partner, you’ve started cheating. You’ve started the basic cultivation of a relationship with someone else. Sure, that relationship may stay right where it is, in the ‘safe friendship’ zone, but if you continue to nurture it with time and build bonds, it can take a very different direction.  

Feel Good Factor – Emotional

Your relationship should fulfill you emotionally. The person you’re with should be the person who effortlessly and always makes you feel good, feel good about all kinds of things and mostly, about yourself. He or she should be your bowl of favorite ice-cream on a hot day and when you’re with them, it should seem as if suddenly (even if briefly), all is right with the world.

When you have a bad day are you still turning to your significant other for comfort? If instead you’re logging on and laughing up with someone else, you’re probably not on the right track. That emotional fulfillment is coming from elsewhere and ‘elsewhere’ may not be where you want to be.

Who’s Your Daddy? – Nurturing / Protection

Remember the night you came home from work and vented to your spouse about that so-and-so no-good dimwit you work with, who did such-and-such and really ticked you off? And your loving protective partner’s reply was ‘that fool did what?’. And then without them needing to say another word you instantly felt better. Remember? That was because you knew that person had your back. We need that. We need to know the person we’re sharing our lives with, will be in our corner and that they will be supportive, encouraging and sometimes appropriately inappropriate on our behalf.

This is one trait that is best revealed with time. As the relationship progresses you’ll know how protected and secure you feel with this person from their repeat performances.

If your go-to person has shifted, you’ve already invested time and emotion on the outside. You should understand by now that you’ve got a nice little affair going, but if you’re looking to keep the relationship you’re in from being on the out, this is a good place to stop and just cancel your subscription. 

There Is Only One Usain Bolt – Priority Status

Your partner should be your number one person, the priority in your life that demands and receives the majority of all your best. Your investments are banked here, with this person. They come first, all the time, every race. They receive the most of your time, affection, love, protection, support, care, all of it.

And when I say all, I mean it in a sensible way. Who wants all of your day time but none of your night? It must be balanced, although we do recognize it has to be fair to all involved. Here by all, I only mean two of you.

If your partner receives most of your time and most of your support but the least of your flirtations, you still fail. Grade F. So if you think that just because you and your ‘friend’ aren’t rolling around in the proverbial haystack (yet), it means exchanging those hot and spicy texts is not a problem, think again. You’re just one step away from making your affair a legitimate reason for a class-action suit. And if Tiger Woods can’t win, neither can you. You catch my drift.     

The Barry White CD – Sexual

Let’s be frank, your partner has to fulfill you sexually. You can decide how much you need in that area to make it work for you. But if it isn’t working on some level, fix it. Fast. Because if you don’t, you’ve opened the door wide for your new ‘friend’ to become your new improved ‘friend’ with benefits.

After the first sexual interaction with the other person, (the other person being the one you’re not in a relationship with), you know without a doubt you’re having an affair. Usually this key point is where most people recognize they’ve gone astray.

The sexual affair is commonly considered ‘the affair’ and they are some who will challenge that everything before sex, is just foreplay. We will get back to those critics in a minute.

As we've all come to learn from the whole Bill and Monica saga, (Clinton still rocks), loose definitions of sex will come back to haunt you. So to clarify when I refer to having a sexual affair, I'm including all the fun and even somewhat sketchy types of sex. Oral sex, penetration, phone sex, text sex, chat sex, if one (or both) of you climaxes from it, in my book sex occured. Clear?

And for those of you who think that as long as sex is absent, you haven’t done anything wrong, I say only this. If that were true, the global divorce rate would be a whole lot lower. Instead, divorce is suspiciously high. Because it seems that even in the absence of sex, your sordid emails, texts, messages, photos and whatever else was uncovered, still hurt. It seems your partner can still end up broken-hearted, when they didn’t actually catch you in the act.

Think of if this way. If the roles were reversed and the person being cheated on was you, at what point would you no longer be comfortable? Would it matter less that your parter is involved with someone else if no sex occured? Or would somewhere inside tingle a little, would a little sleep be lost, would a meal or two be missed, from the first too-long phone call in the middle of the night? In other words, when it’s happening to you, when exactly to you define the start of the affair?     

So did you have an affair recently? Ok, I concede, there's a chance you haven't. But I’m pretty sure that now we’ve talked about it, you’ve had one at some point. It’s ok though, keep your affairs to yourself. You don’t have to tell me. Afterall, I’m sure not telling you.

A Matter of Opinion

What were you thinking while you brushed your teeth this morning? About your work, spouse, children, things you have to do, calls you have to return, bills you need to pay, shoes you need to buy, how cute your bum looks in those undies? (Pause).

Was I close? Any of the above? All of the above? Did you find the 'cute bum' remark a bit off? It isn’t. We think about our bodies more than we’d like to admit. The problem is, as a woman (apologies to the men reading along), usually when we think of ourselves physically, it’s in a bad sense. But is it really what you think that’s the problem, or is what others think?  

Late last year I wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I wasn’t myself. I was extremely tired all the time and my body felt like something I borrowed, not like the one I knew. I didn’t share that I wasn’t well with anyone (frankly, it wasn’t anyone’s business), but it soon showed. I lost weight. Lots of it (apparently) and quickly.  While I didn’t notice immediately, everyone else sure did. And for some reason, everyone felt the need to share their opinion on the matter, although I hadn’t asked for opinions and really didn’t want any. 

A few were nice about it, saying I looked better than ever, (bless you), but the vast majority thought I looked too skinny, even “simply awful” (I remember who said that and you’re not getting a Christmas gift this year).  The comments hurt. I became extremely self-conscious. And while I secretly enjoyed trying on smaller sizes, I feared buying them and drawing more attention to my “protruding ribs”. Only my face reflected the weight-loss, because the rest of me was well under wraps. My over-sized clothes hung from my frail frame in an attempt to hide my body. I was ashamed.

Recently however, I gained a few pounds. And once again, all and sundry have an opinion to voice. I stepped onto the scale with trepidation, fearing it might break, having heard such sordid tales of my new chunky size.  I was congratulated on being pregnant. Only, I’m not. Again, I was ashamed.

During this last year I gradually became aware of my physical self and I realized a few things about my body.  But it's not what you might think.

When I look in the mirror I don’t see skinny me, or chubby me, I see me. And although it took some work to get here, I am no longer ashamed. There are things I look great in and things I should probably give away. But beyond that, it’s not too complicated for me. I’ve realized that who it’s complicated for, is you. Everyone else. You’re the ones who think I’m too skinny, or too fat, or too something that I don’t believe I am. And do you know what? It sucks to be you. Because I'm fine with me.

I wasn’t crazy, something was wrong. And I remain thankful daily that the problem has been resolved. I’m healthy. Unfortunately there are too many of us out there who can’t say the same. Too many who can’t control how skinny or how round they are because something bad has borrowed their bodies. People you may help to feel ashamed, because you didn’t keep your opinion to yourself. But each of us, whoever we are, however we are, we need to love what we are. Not what others think we should be. Don’t be ashamed of you and don’t allow others to influence your judgment of yourself. There is really only one body commandment, thou shall be healthy. Anything else society deems you should be, is optional.  

I say this to those of you who have started calling me chubby, perhaps what you say may be true, in your opinion. But I don't want your opionon, so kindly don't give it. And you should know, that this morning while I brushed my teeth, I smiled as I was thinking how cute my bum looks in these undies. And do you know what the truth is?

My bum sure looks cute in these undies... 

Think pink this month and give generously as we all do our part in the fight against breast cancer.

Like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'

Welcome to October! Are you excited? You should be. It’s a new month and a new chance to remind someone you love, how much you love them. (That’s exactly what you were thinking right?).  It’s Fall, so fall in love all over again, with everything.

I had a lovely surprise this morning when flowers were delivered to my home in the middle of breakfast. The simple ‘thank you’ note attached immediately brought tears to my eyes and a grin to my face. And the random act of kindness has sent the tone for the rest of my day. (Thanks again). The bubbly joy I’m feeling right now, I’d like to share with you. Better still, I’d like you to share it with someone else too. So let’s give it a try. That’s our ‘to do’ for today. We’re going to spread joy like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' on a hot bake. (Can you tell I enjoyed breakfast?)

First things first, you’ll need to get yourself into the right frame of mind. Ready? Inhale…exhale…and grin! Go on. Feels forced and silly? That’s ok, I’m the only one who can see you. (Made you look.) But if you grin hard enough, when it starts to fade you’ll be left with a soft smile. See? There it is.

Now caption a blank piece of paper (or email, or Facebook note), “5 Things that made me smile the first week in October”. Write (or type) 4 things that made you smile so far this month. Here’s mine:

1. One of my dearest friends is having a baby and she’s naming her after me. (That was my official bid).
2. I hugged my dad.
3. My husband bought me ice-cream and our dogs watched us eat it.
4. My mum surprised me and in doing so inspired me.

Remember your list will actually have 5 items on it, but the 5^th will be the same for all of us. Here it is.

5. I shared four smiles with you.

When you’ve completed your list, pass it on. Let me know what you come up with, I’d love to hear from you.  Put your 4 in the comments section so I can smile with you. Note, however, the list doesn’t have to come back to you. You’re not giving this so it becomes a task, so give it free and clear, without instructions. And you can do this as often as you like. I’m pretty sure something sweet will come back to you in some way. Perhaps even flowers. In the least you would have shared a smile with someone. And smiles are a great way to start falling in love. Smiles and Celine Dion. But that’s another post.