and one for Me

I had fresh donuts for breakfast today. Two of them. Both topped with milk chocolate frosting. One drizzled with white chocolate icing and the other heavily drenched in multi-color sprinkles.  Delightful. Since I was already on a roll, a cup of caffeine-free green tea was out of the question, so I had a Coke. Then, I skipped yoga, stayed in bed and watched ‘Enchanted’. Do I feel guilty? No. Fat? No. (Well, not yet.) Lazy? Not at all. In fact, I felt full, rested and privileged as I sang along with Giselle (a little off key).  Today was not about what anyone else thought about what I should be eating, drinking, doing or not doing. This day was mine. Today I had a love affair with myself.

Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from all the other relationships around you and work on your relationship with you. You put all that effort into other people, but once in a while, put equal effort into yourself. It’s not selfish. Love never is. So love you for a bit.

For one day, let it all go. Eat, drink, do, or not do as much or as little as you like. Have donuts and Coke for breakfast and overpriced lobster and very aged red wine for lunch. Of course, you’ll have ice-cream for dinner. (What else?) Find funny shapes in the clouds. Watch a musical and join in on the dance routines.  Feed the birds. Go barefoot. Wonder. Laugh. Be well.

I’d love to stay and chat for awhile, but it’s my day remember? We’ll do you tomorrow. Hugs.

Breaking-up, Beautifully. (10 Easy Steps).

What do you say to the beautiful, the brainless, the brazen and the barbarous who broke your heart? I’m sure you can think of a few things. I’m sure you can think of a few things you’d like to do too. But apart from the legal implications, (or illegal I should say), there’s a few good reasons why you should hold your tongue, don't say anything and don't do anything either, (nothing at all) in the heat of the moment.

Too often we say the first thing that comes to mind. While this may be what you’re thinking at the moment, anger aside, it may not really be a true representation of how you feel. Surely although in this moment your partner seems to be 'a mere tick on the backside of an elephant,  soon to be flicked off by its tail and crushed under its mammoth heel like nothing more than an insignificant annoyance', (breathe) in hindsight this might perhaps be a bit harsh.  Likewise, quick flares of rage can prompt actions that land us on Judge Judy. And since we all know it’s edited, the experience may not be as cool as they would have us believe.

All in all, what you say and do can’t be taken back. And apart from the hurt and disappointment you’ll both feel, it can lead to a month, year, or lifetime of regret. So learn how to bite your tongue and curb your raging enthusiasm. Besides, are you even sure you want to break-up?

The jackass of today maybe the stallion of tomorrow.  You’re ticked-off now, but give yourself a chance to cool off. Later, when you think back (with a clear mind) of all the idiotic and hurtful things the other person said, (or did), some of it may actually make a little sense and while not well phrased, was perhaps not intended to be hurtful. If you didn’t blow-up in the first place, you won’t have to admit this. And more importantly, with a little etiquette class, you may not actually want to break-up.  A rational discussion, or few choice words in a firm tone should suffice. And then you can kiss and make-up. (Ah, fun times).

The repeat offender. You’re really furious this time. And the last time you were here was just a little while ago. (A few hours to be exact). You cooled off, even chilled out, but here you are again, red in the face and ready for a taekwondo class.  (Sometimes yoga won’t do).  

Relationships are about being happy together. There’s a lot of other stuff in there too, but generally speaking, you’re with that person because when you are, it feels good. But what if it feels bad, all the time? First of all, is it really all the time? You may just have one issue that you’re not dealing with and getting past. Don’t get me wrong, depending on what it is, this one issue can be enough to make you run for the hills. (And not in a Sound of Music type of way).  

If you’re at this stage you should do a hit list. One page with two columns and a writing instrument. Side A, write all the stuff you love, like and can tolerate about your partner. Side Nay, the opposite. Do this as a numbered list. Clearly if the A list wins, give the poor darling a break and work things out. You may just need a little therapy. But if the Nay’s have it and there’s a hot new topic to make you hot and bothered daily, see your local therapist. If time passes without a real resolution and the money runs out, throw the towel in. If you gave the therapist a shot, you can honestly say you tried to make it work. Or, you can have ice-cream in front the TV and honestly say you tried to make it work. It depends on your budget.

The unforgivable. Something was said or done that there’s just no coming back from. This one is easy to spot.  You’ve started meditating to episodes of Snapped and generating ideas from Forensic Files on TruTV.  Act quickly, it’s time to break-up. Or pretty soon you’ll be staring in your very own episode and you won’t even get a trip on the Red Carpet for your troubles.

So, here we are, you’ve decided to break-up, it can’t be helped. Even the therapist recommended it. Or worse, your partner doesn’t like ice-cream. (Madness!).

1. Time to get down and dirty. Or not.  There’s a right way and a wrong way to do just about anything. Even break-up. While I’m no therapist, I’ve been broken up with (fools) and I’ve done the breaking up with ( fools) and I’ve consoled enough friends through both to tell you exactly what the wrong way is. It’s cruel and insensitive. The right way, is kind and sincere. The wrong way, hurts everyone. The right way, hurts everyone. No, that’s not an error, just thought you should have all the facts. We’re going to try and accomplish the break-up done nicely. This way should hurt a little less. (Hurt you less that is. Your partner may disagree.)

If you have absolutely no fear of Karma or you think the other person is worth the risk of Karma just so you can be mean, knock yourself out.  But stand in your shoes, keep your jewelry on and hold the clutch in place for just a minute more. Might I suggest you think about two things first? If what you’re about to say or do, was said or done to you, how would you feel? And if you saw your ex in the obituaries next month, would you regret what you say or do now? Because then, you won’t be able to take it back, ever and since we don’t know the future, I don’t recommend the risk.  

2. “The art of living is in the fine balance of letting go and holding on.” I don’t know who said it but I think it’s profound and quite true. Usually from every relationship there was some good mixed in with the bad. Take the good stuff with you, let the bad stuff go. I’m not saying it’s easy to do. But as far as I can tell, nothing worth it ever is.

3. Study, you will be quizzed later. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Your partner will have questions, but if you give details and examples upfront, you can minimize the number of questions you get. Reducing the queries will help you to keep your temper in check, since they can be frustrating. 

I’m always a big advocate for writing it out. Personally this just helps me remember. (Please don’t leave the list on the kitchen counter). But be warned, if you break-up with someone with a notebook in your lap and check things off a list as you go, you’re liable to be cussed, or smacked. So you’ll want to commit the points to memory.

4. The real estate market is booming, but choose your location carefully. Relationships today are surely not the relationships our parents had. We keep in touch through a complex assortment of technological advancements, few require even seeing the other person. You’re lucky to have a cup of coffee together and if you get a physical card or (gasp) flowers, you’re likely to cry. (More from shock than anything.) But none of these channels is the way to break-up.

Do not break-up by phone call, faxes, emails, e-cards, web chat, webcam chat, video conference, text message, Blackberry messenger, My Space, Facebook or Twitter. It unkind, tacky and rude. Break-up in person, face-to-face. And think twice about that location.

A public location may lead to embarrassment for you both if things get heated and loud. Choose somewhere private and comfortable for both of you. Be careful however not to be insensitive, don’t go back to a place that as previously a source of happiness. For example, don’t break-up on the park bench where you first said ‘I love you’. (Dipstick).  If you’re concerned things may not go well, have a friend nearby to bail you out if shoes start flying.  

  

5. Schedule a commercial break. Plan the timeline you want to break-up in, start time and end time. It may sound rough but not really. Bear in mind you know what’s going on, but if the other person doesn’t know what’s coming, they may not want to let you go. If we want to hold on to a relationship the best chance to do this is during the break-up itself. With enough time they may try to wear you down and get you to recommit. (Sneaky devils). You will also want an official end time for you own peace of mind. Hurting someone isn’t an easy thing to do and you can only answer “but why?” so many times. You should plan your out from early, once you’ve said all you had to say and listened all you care to listen, escape.

6. You’re cordially invited to an execution. You’re going to have to invite your partner to the face-to-face break-up. If you don’t let them know in advance you ‘need to talk’, they will feel ambushed when you drop the bomb. But whatever you do, don’t say, ‘let’s go out because we need to talk’. Nothing that has ever ended well commenced with that phrase. How you phrase it will depend on how well you know your partner and the level of your creative genius, but don’t get them there under false pretenses. If you can just go to their place, brilliant. This will also make your timely exit less of a problem.  

7. The talk. It’s over, there’s nothing to lose now, so you can be completely honest. Be frank and firm but sensitive and fair. And have some heart, it’s not a good time to crack a joke and don’t smile sweetly through the whole thing. Seriously. Be sure to listen to how the other person feels too. While it may not fix the relationship, it may set you both on the path to emotional recovery. You may come out of this, friends. Or you may want to move to another country when it’s all over. Prepare for the worse.

8. The stages of grief. The relationship has been lost so there will be some grieving, for either or both of you. There are 5 stages to expect (others break this down into 7 but I prefer the one hand finger count).

• Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
• Anger (why is this happening to me?)
• Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
• Depression (I don't care anymore)
• Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

You can practically count these off as the conversation flows, it’s that accurate. What you should prepare for is that some people will linger at the second or third stage. Your break-up conversation may end with the other person still angry or bargaining. Don’t expect acceptance to come right away. Some break-ups even have sequels.

9. You’ve broken up, so take a break. You’ve done the deed, time for life to start moving on. Solo. Give yourself a break, emotionally. The other person will say you’ve done a bad thing, (whatever), that doesn’t make you a bad person. Live guilt free. Give yourself a break, physically. Enjoy dating for awhile. Spend the weekend somewhere fun. Just relax. Now is a good time for that postponed yoga class.

10. Don’t retaliate. It would be remiss of me you to let you leave thinking if you followed the steps all will go well. Perhaps, but not always. Some of us date slightly insane people, but you may not know until you’ve scorned them. While you didn’t say anything on Facebook or Twitter, doesn’t mean they won’t. No need for us to all act like children. Inhale, exhale and let it go.

Good luck with your break-up. I hope you go to each other’s weddings (to other people of course) and stay friends for years to come. If all else fails tell the fool where to get off. Then grab your trusty spoon and go knock back a quarter litre of ice-cream.

There's A Con In Our Conversation

So you’ve met someone. Not just anyone, someone really special. Someone you believe you can wander through this crazy maze of a world with, who will help you to make sense of the insane and share the wonderful, the worrisome and the weird with you. It’s a lovely thing. 

And then, all of a sudden, out of the clear, blue sky, that person you met becomes the person they are and the two aren’t the same person. You’ve been deceived. Swindled. Tricked. Conned.

It’s the fault of our elders really. Our parents and grandparents and teachers and mentors aren’t honest with us from the start. Between the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the wide world of Disney, by the time puberty kicks in, you’re as confused as a cat in a dog fight. Nothing is really what it seems, if it’s real at all. The Tooth Fairy was Mum. Santa Claus was Dad. (Sorry. I thought you knew by now). And that frog in the backyard won’t become a prince no matter how many times you kiss him. (I should have told you sooner). Even the clear, blue sky I referred to earlier seeks to betray you. Surely the sky cannot be both clear, lacking in color and blue, a primary color. (Hmm.) You see the con begins from early.

In the relationship, the con starts from that very first conversation. When you first said hello you used your best Marilyn Monroe, or Barry White impression. Because we know you don’t really sound like that. You laughed at their jokes, which we know aren’t really funny. You praised your boss, loved your neighbor’s dog and said your tennis level was just a ball shy of a Williams sister. You twisted the truth a little. You bent it. You lied. Call it what you like, that’s what you did. And don’t bother to tell me you didn’t because that would be a lie in itself and only prove my point.

It’s ok though. No harm in it. (Or so they say). Because once you got to know each other and the love started to bloom, it all worked itself out. The little twists and bends straighten themselves. And later when your real tennis skill level is revealed, your little white lie becomes something you’ll both recall and laugh at when you meet mid-court by the net.  Those initial and little fibs are not a big problem, just don’t keep them going. If you’ve been in the relationship for awhile and still can’t say what those shoes really cost, or where you really were at 3am, you need to rethink what you want from the relationship. Flat out. But later, when you know each other, it’s not so much about what you said. Oh no. The real problem by now is what you don’t say. (Ummhmm). That secret you’ve been keeping. This, is the real con. What you don't say in the conversations. And if you keep on keeping that secret, that beautiful future you’ve been building for two, can end up fit for one.

Let’s set some boundaries. We’re going to need to clear up what a big secret is. Because let’s be honest with each other, some things you’re meant to keep to yourself. You’re not in the practice of doing anything to deliberately hurt yourself. Part of two becoming one, is that this person is now part of you, so you wouldn’t do anything to deliberately hurt that person either. I believe there are some things you don’t need to say, ever. This applies to telling your partner things about themselves which will hurt, but they can’t change anyway. In other words, you’ve highlighted a hurtful problem without a solution and neither of you is any better for it. For example, if his equipment (sniffle), is more weed-whacker (blush) than a 17 horsepower, 4-wheel steering, 2-pedal hydrostatic, rust-proof riding mower (cough). To me it’s not necessary to say, but this is where you (chalk in hand) need to draw your own moral boundaries, I’m not touching that one. (Pun intended).

We’re talking the big stuff. The stuff that day time programming is made off. The ‘my credit can’t get me a loan for a pencil’, ‘I did drug rehab’, ‘it’s not your baby’, (Maury, you need a new punch line) and ‘I was born a male’ type of stuff. You always tell the truth about your sexual status, your sexual partners (how many, who is up to you), your sexual preferences, your finances, your expectations and ambitions, your recreational habits (the negative ones), your religious beliefs, your triggers (what turns you on and off, non-sexual) and your definition of family (4 children, 3 dogs, 2 cats and a pig).

Now while most people when asked will say they lie to shield their partner from hurt, but if you’re ever caught in that lie, the hurt you both feel will only be a part of the problem. You’ll then have trust issues to deal with as well. And by the time you add feelings of betrayal, (theirs), guilt, (yours), anger, disappointment and heartache (shared), you’ve got yourself one great, big, flushable, hot mess.

So what’s to be done? Surely I’m not expecting you to tell the truth? Well actually, yes.  If there's any chance that secret can come back to haunt you, tell. (The whole truth?). That’s the idea. Out with it. You’ll sleep better. But since it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do, let’s see if I can help. (Ahem).

Before you open the closet, know why you’re coming out. You can’t undo hurt. So remember, if it’s not on the must tell list and neither person benefits from the knowledge, you may want to get a combination lock for the closet door and just leave it in there.

But once you've decided to share, plan ahead. You don’t want to drop the bomb just by the way. Know what you want to say and how you want to say it. Be prepared for all the follow-up questions that are sure to come. If you write it down, this helps some people, do not leave your note-pad on the dining room table by accident.

Location, location, location and timing has got to be right. This is all part of your planning. Don’t do it in a public place. It could turn into a disastrous embarrassment for you both. Choose a time when you both have clear calendars for awhile. Give yourself time to tell, time for you both to talk and time to determine the steps to recovery.   

Be ready to give the other person space. Depending on how big the bomb is, that might be physical as well. It’s a dilemma you’ve brought to the table, so the couch is yours. Or the hotel room. Just don’t expect things to return to normal overnight. If there’s something the two of you enjoy doing together but alone (just the two of you), it may be a good time to do it. Hiking, fishing, tennis. But don’t purchase two first-class tickets and plan a second honeymoon as a surprise. This will not only invade the other person’s recovery period, it may cost you a good non-refundable penny if the other person doesn’t want to see you for bit.

Serve notice.  You didn’t plan the what, the where and the when only to slip up now on the warning. You're going to have to let the other person know you have a secret to tell. Let them know it’s something major and when you want to have the discussion. Be ready to do it immediately if there is persistence, but if you can, and this is preferred, allow at least a few hours for the other person to be mentally and emotionally prepared.

In stressful situations we tend to improvise, don’t, stick to the script. At least in the beginning. Ask beforehand to be given the opportunity to explain everything in detail before answering questions. Talk to your partner though, not at them.

Now is not the time to cast blame, take responsibility. This will be difficult enough for your spouse without them having to hear that they caused the problem. So when giving that detailed explanation, remove all occurrences of the word ‘you’. There is a good chance that you will be asked who is to blame directly, think this through in advance and know what you want to say.

There may be expletives. Know in advance that you will be a pestilence spat up from the bowels of Hades upon the face of the earth. Or something not so creative but equally as harsh. Anticipating this in advance will help you not to be surprised when the onslaught begins. And there will be an onslaught. But try not to retaliate or cast blame. Remain calm. Don’t argue. This will be their time to vent. There is a lot of confusion, hurt and anger and any retaliation on your part will hamper the resolution.

Have your suggestions for how you plan to move forward ready. What are the resolutions. But, and this is a big but, you may not be able to fix this. It may take days, weeks, months or even years for full healing to occur. And sometimes, that healing never comes. Don’t expect the worse, love conquers all (I believe this and I’m a pessimist) but be prepared for it. That first-class ticket money may be put to good use with some professional counseling.  If all else fails, there’s ice-cream. Good luck.

The Silent Argument: and the Sounding Solution

There’s something in the air. It’s hard to describe but it’s there, hanging. Not dense like fog, you can’t see it. Not quite humidity, though you can feel it. You’ve experienced this before. You know what this is. But the name of it escapes you somehow.  Let me help. That uncomfortable, quiet thing, is tension.

You may or may not be able to pin point the exact moment it descended and settled over everything like a layer of fine dust in an abandoned room. This doesn’t matter. What matters is that you know it’s there. And that you understand if left untreated, it will fester.

You will first have to get to the root of the matter in order to kill this weed. You can come right out and ask what the problem is, but I suspect that you already know.  Somewhere inside you have an inkling that things went a little disheveled when ‘x’ was said, or ‘y’ was done, or through some ambiguous combination of the two.  And now everyone is upset. 

It hasn’t been said, oh no, who dares to whisper such a thing? But it is evidenced by the subtle changes in routine. The slightly louder slam of the drawer. The  erect back replacing the relaxed posture. The flame in the eye that belies the soft set of the mouth. And the overly polite exchanges where questions are answered in two words or less. This thing, this hot mess of unspoken annoyance, this, is the silent argument.

The silent argument is not to be confused with ‘I’m ignoring you’, 'I’m not in the mood’ or ‘I’m unimpressed’.  In the middle of argument there sits ‘u’ and ‘me’, so if only one of you is affected, congratulations, you don’t have a major disagreement you just have a tiff. Fortunately  tiffs are easily resolved with flowers, or ice-cream. (Or new heels). But if you feel a duplication of annoyance with that pesky tension hovering, then an argument it is. And these need more than a little ice-cream to mend.

First you’re going to need to accept responsibility. Yes you. And before you start with the ‘it’s not my fault’ thing, let me interrupt to mention, no-one cares. If you want to fix things one of you has to be the bigger person. And since you’re the sensible one reading this, then it’s going to be you. Even if you really didn’t do anything, (as if), perhaps you (take note) could have managed your response a little better. Or something along those lines. Find that little loop-hole to get a conversation started.

Don’t know how to initiate the conversation? Schedule an appointment. Seriously. Tell your partner, I realize we’re having a problem and I want us to work this through but not with hot heads, can we have rum and Coke on the patio in an hour? As long as it’s not raining, you’ll get serious brownie points. (If you quote me you better give me credit).

Just don’t start with a question.  Questions are to be avoided. Especially ‘how long you plan to be vex?’, ‘so you don’t want to tell me what bothering you?’ or ‘why you still getting on stupid?’. These should be avoided at all costs. On the other hand, while sentences of expression are what we’re aiming for, ‘I see you still getting on stupid’, doesn’t work either.  Be gentle. Be honest. Be firm. Be fair.

Before you make a stew you’ve got to slice up the veggies, peel and dice onions, slice peppers and chop carrots. This is called preparation. And sometimes when you need to fix things, it helps to have a little prepping beforehand.  Especially if you think you’re likely to lose your cool. (I understand). Write it down. Make a list of what you want to say, what works, what doesn’t. Feel free to raise problems, but you’re going to have to be responsible, because if you raise a problem, you need to come ready with a solution. If you don’t have a solution, don’t bring it up. 

Fight fair. Give your partner the chance to write their list out too. You won’t always stick to the list and having it doesn’t mean you’ll have a nice smooth discussion about everything. But in the moments when you do lose your cool or get a tad hysterical, the list will keep you grounded and on point. So be sure to keep referring back to it.

Let by-gone go bye. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. But if you both dealt with it before and you both decided not to discuss it again. Don’t. Bite your lip if you have to, but don’t do it. It will come back to haunt you. Like that super hot chili you washed down with a glass of cold milk, it will come back and it won’t be nearly as pleasant. So leave it out. But if you really think it’s unfinished business, you should probably schedule a special session just for that one.

Hash it out, come up with solutions and kiss and make-up. Literaly kiss and make-up. It's the best part. You’ve aired your silent argument and had a good old-fashioned vocal one, do you feel better? You should. If not you may have deeper issues that you need to work out together, or separately, or with a registered professional. But that’s a whole other post right there. Otherwise, and most importantly, the tension should be gone and you should be breathing some crisp, clean, drama-free air. Inhale. Exhale. And get back to loving each other.

Frauds & Frankensteins

Let’s talk about infidelity. You’re already uncomfortable, the way you shifted in your seat gave you away. But before you have a conniption we’re not talking about your infidelity, we’re talking about everyone else’s. (Exhale). 

It’s certainly not a taboo topic. It’s not a new topic either.  Glossy, gossip magazines around the world rejoiced when Monica dropped the bomb. No last name necessary, you know which Monica I mean. For years we followed Prince Charles and his ‘secret’ saga with Camilla, like we didn’t know the truth Charlie. More recently Angelina Jolie, Tiger Woods, Fantasia and Alicia Keys all took their licks, some more than others.  (‘Keys in Tramp Minor’ shirts now in production). And those are just a few of the celebs, we haven’t even started in on the ones in your office yet. We were there, taking it all in. Every caught-on-Blackberry-camera step of the way. We read it, watched it, karaoked to it, ‘liked’ it on Facebook and made Twitter chirp with the news.

So why is that? What’s the big deal? What’s our fascination?

Plain and simple, misery loves company and no one wants to be in it alone. 

If you’re being cheated on, you want to know it’s not because you’re a loser. (For the record, you’re not a loser).  If you’re doing the cheating, you still want to know you’re not the only loser cheating. (For the record, you’re not the only loser).  What? Was that harsh? I’m sorry I called you a loser, fraud. Because I don’t care what the justifiable reason is for your cheating, or if you didn’t mean to cheat. It still hurts someone else, so just don’t do it. Ok, so maybe we are talking about your infidelity. (Inhale. Panic!). But seriously, if we acted like the adults we claim to be, we’d save the people we claim to love lots of heartache. And that my friends, is the real truth of the matter. 

If you love me, stop keeping secrets and tell me the truth. That goes for partners and friends. (Not gossip friends, truth, careful there).  If you want to be with someone else, go for it and good luck. I’m not Frankenstein. That’s right, not Frankenstein. In other words, I was alive when you found me, ergo, I lived before you came along, so contrary to what you think, there’s a good chance I’ll keeping living after you go too. I’ll cry, throw a major hissy fit and cry some more. Things may get broken. But twelve Advils later, life will go on. Happily.

So don't be a fraud if you don't date a Frankenstein. Got it? Good.