Of Popes and Presidents

You are in love. You have found your soul mate. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, couldn’t formulate the words to describe it, but you always knew that something inside you was missing, until now. Now that missing part of your inner being has been found and slotted securely into place and you are finally whole. Deeply, madly, passionately and forever. Cue the drum-roll, strike up the violins and then punch out the fireworks. Love is here!

There’s only one little problem. Well not so much of a problem, just a minor inconvenience really. Nothing that can’t be overlooked. Your soul mate, your inner being, the shoelace to your sneaker and the fries to your Whopper combo, your love, just so happens to be taken, in a relationship, engaged or even married, to someone else.

But this is ok. Nothing to worry about. Because as long as it’s love, true love, which clearly this is, then there’s nothing wrong about it. Right? Well I hate to break it to you but if that is your final answer, you are incorrect. Fail. Catastrophically.

You can spin it any way you like, call it love, souls connecting, the answer to your prayers even, but as long as when you found that person they were involved with someone else, then someone or someones (yes plural) are going to get hurt. And depending on the role you play in this unsanctioned trinity, the one you risk hurting the most, damaging beyond all repair, is you.

The whole glorification of the modern liaison is scandalous indeed. The highly acclaimed-should-be-multi-award-winning dramatic series Scandal, boasts the grandest illegitimate love affair of our time since Scarlett O’Hara and Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind. Set against a political background, the not-to-be-missed weekly installation in our lives raises the still sensitive subject of inter-racial relationships (I’ll cover that juicy topic later) and has seemingly provided justification for the philanderers of the world to unite in solidarity and claim love sometimes makes good people do bad things, like cheat. 

The affair has become disconcertingly commonplace in our society. The mention of an ‘outside’ relationship will hardly cause any one to bat a well mascaraed eyelash these days and to make headlines one needs to do more than merely take a romp or 12 around the town. (Although 13 and over for an American politician is professional suicide. Ask Anthony Weiner.) Yet while the practice is somewhat run of the mill, it remains heavily frowned upon and is by no means considered acceptable. 

This topic has many far-reaching implications and I know many of you hold a baited breath to see whose side I’m going to take in the matter. Allow me to burst your bubble and issue the spoiler way too early, I’m not taking any side. Well, maybe I am… but your point of view on an affair will hinge on which end of this gone-wrong deal you stand on. (Or whose well-made bed you lay in.) So we’re going to break it down in stages and take it a bit at a time and you will form your own judgment and decide how the silk sheets will fall.

Let me warn you that I’ve used our beloved Scandal characters for this illustration which may be sensitive for some of you. Well Mellie is perhaps not best described as beloved, but I digress.  Therefore before your pick up your pitchforks and head over to my neighborhood allow me to profess my undying love for the show and also for Olivia. And her wardrobe. (But of course).

The Internal Offender – The Fitzgerald Grant

There you were, minding your own business and seemingly content if not happy in your existing relationship when wax, palax, bruggadung brax, you looked around twice and somehow landed yourself in a hot freaking mess of an affair. (Stop grinning. I am not praising you for this accomplishment.)

Whether it was intentional or not, which most times it isn’t, you’ve got some decisions to make. Stay with the original party or cross the floor and join the party of the seconder. But pick a side. Or start an independent party. Remember that famous line about not being able to have your cake and eat it too? That applies here.

The External Offender – The Olivia Pope

I know no-one ever says ‘Oh poor Mellie’ (well it is Mellie after all and she’s a real expletive character), still no one is signing up to take a long walk in the designer heels of the first lady. Why? (And no it’s not because we don’t like her style of shoes.) It is because no one wants to be on the receiving end of that heartache. Forget diet pills, working out and Weight Watchers, if you want to drop 10 pounds in 3 days all one needs is to find out that you are ‘tekking a horn’*. (Translation for non-Barbadian community – discover your partner is *having an affair).

If you’re not willing to eat the meal then you shouldn’t be willing to dish it up. Because karma is real and karma knows where you live. But I’m not playing fair am I? Because Olivia is in love, we know this without a doubt, so therefore her situation is different. Right? I can feel your stunned horror and hear your aghast thoughts - ‘but this is Olivia, we love Olivia!, Olivia can do no wrong.’ But yeah, turns out she can.

Even if you are the great Olivia Pope, (whose services Weiner should probably retain) the affair is wrong however you spin it and if I may be so bold to point out, you are not Olivia Pope. 

What’s more, that pre-used-washed-up-not-yours-boyfriend/fiancé/husband/partner you’ve been dragging around (behind the scenes) is not President Fitzgerald Grant. (Don’t you wish.)  So when examining the scenario as it applies to your specific situation be sure to compare apples with apples. Dating a president? No? Then get over it. 

Again, you will need to decide how you’d like to script your ending. I am sure you recall the episodes where Olivia was lonely, sipping red wine alone while elegantly clad in her signature white. And the episodes where she was frustrated with this isolation. Or the ones where she was hurt by having to watch the man she loves in his proudest moments with his wife by his side while looking on from a distance…and so on and so forth. Should you choose to stick it out, it is not a permanently happy path you trod. Well a relationship never is a permanently happy path so it is best not to add any further complications from inception. Also keep in mind that sometimes the offended have a craving for the demise of the offending party and said offended may be able to afford a friend like Huck to converse with you. (As if Huck converses.) Should you decide to call it quits, keep it classy and quiet. Make your exit as gracious and memorable as your entrance was.

The Offended – The Mellie Grant or The Mrs. Fitzgerald Grant

You hold all the cards. It may not seem like it at the time but how this all pans out hinges on how you choose to deal with it. Or not deal with it. (This is assuming you find out while the game is still in play.)

You can: endure in silence (but why?), confront (peacefully!) and attempt resolution, or tell the whole sorry lot where to get off and move on with your life. Bearing in mind always that if you took option two, the attempt to seek a resolution needs to embraced by Fitz too, because if he wants his Olivia, he will have his Olivia and all the Mellies of the world will have to, as we say, suck salt. Also note that the confrontation is linked to a the attempt at resolving the relationship, if you know that is not your intention then a confrontation is perhaps an unnecessary aggravation and little else. Go you way.

The Outcome

Many that are in this position really had no intention of being there, irregardless of the role you play. Usually no one sets out to identify a subject, plan a comprehensive strategy and implement an aggressive assault to start an affair. (Unless you are on Days of Our Lives.)

That said, you don’t have to encourage it from the outset, or once that ship has sailed you don’t have to prolong it at the end. While the affair may serve to fulfill something in your life that your other relationship does not, (well that’s the whole point isn’t it) the affair itself will create issues that have far-reaching implications regardless of outcome. If you can, I recommend avoiding the affair from the beginning, it is always best to continue Keeping Affairs to Yourself. If the relationship ends, there will be heartache, if it continues there will be trust issues and I’m barely skimming the surface. However you look at it, no one really wins. Not even if you are the President.

Good luck!  

(And I wish you a happy Scandal.)

Love is a Lake - (5 Strokes of Survival)

For someone who loves blogging and who loves reading other people’s blogs, I’ve been doing a sucky job of maintaining my own. (Permission to agree granted, just don’t go agreeing with me aloud). It’s not an excuse (honest).  I know exactly why my blog became harder and harder to write. Actually, I didn’t stop writing, I just stopped posting my thoughts. But I digress. 

This blog is about love, happy, silly, quirky, funny, sometimes a little cynical, and even a little sad at times, but at the root of the matter there is an undying faith that love will pull though, all will be well and in the end, smiles, grins, kisses and goofy laughter in place, we’d all live happily ever after. 

But then my undying faith in love, well, it up and died and died in a most glorious fashion. (Cue violins.) As a result, I had little to blog about. (We can only do for the love of cute shoes and donuts so many times). So while I apologize to the faithful few who kept asking and hoping and cheering me on, who emailed with heart-aching lines to let me know you missed the blog and lost a ‘friend’, the true loss I assure you, was all mine. Blogs about love don’t work in the absence of the main subject. And my love is lost. (Or is hiding out in the witness protection program.)

Love is a beautiful thing. It is. I highly recommend it. It is a huge lake of liquid happiness unlike anything else we could ever hope to be so fortunate to experience. Given the chance to fall into it, go ahead. Plunge! Head first. Totally and completely surrender and wallow in it. 

But while you’re in there, you’re going to need to do some work. And perhaps this is where many of us go wrong. The focus is often so much on getting into the Love Lake that once you’re in you have no clue what to do. There is no need for all of us to go down together, so let’s see if we can work this out. Because if you dive into the pretty lake, content to tell all you’re in love and then do nothing, you will surely drown. And love will toss your lifeless limbs on the loveless shore to rot. 

When embarking on that whole love thing, on entering the warm and shimmery lake immediately start swimming. And to escape drowning at any point in time along the way, keep swimming. Here’s how.

1. Freestyle

When the waters are calm and everything is as it should be, enjoy that time and make the most of it. Immerse yourself in the love lake and each other but be sure to turn your head for air. Alternate how you turn your head to, sometimes look towards the other person at your side and take time to sometimes look away. Time together to build the relationship is just as important as time for yourself to build you. Too often we lose ourselves along the way and much later, in seeking to find that person we lost, we swim apart.

Set your boundaries and stay in lane, don’t let other swimmers cross your path or it will impede your flow. Keep each other in sight and safe, swim happily on together. This is the sweet part, why you got together in the first place. Remember these precious happy times and keep a mental list tucked away safe in your heart for the rainy days. If the tides shift, you can pull them out, dust them off, smile and swim on.

2. Backstroke

Keep communication flowing. The backstroke is a beautiful technique. You can breathe easily, look at the blue sky and feel the warm sunshine on your cheeks while gliding with easy strokes through the water. Nice as it is to swim sunny side up though, you can’t see what you are swimming into, so a companion to guide you with some verbal instruction is beneficial. Talk to each other.

Be honest, open and sharing. But all the while keep in mind it goes both ways, so be a good listener too. Don’t be judgmental or overly critical when giving your opinion and give your opinion. We may act like we have it all together sometimes but we don’t and feedback helps work things through and removes that lonely isolated feeling. Confide and be a good confidante. If the person you are with is not comfortable confiding in you, rest assured they will eventually find someone else to confide in.

Oh and ‘confidante’ should immediately convey the impression that intimate conversations between partners should remain confidential, but in case that escaped you then I’d like to point out that what is shared between two should stay between only two or you’ll be swimming in choppy waters.(Or in the witness protection program.)

3. Breaststroke

All days aren’t sunny ones and no one likes to gaze upon gray cumulonimbus while a torrential downpour slams you in the face. You will have your individual challenges and though sorting out your own is one thing, dealing with someone else's issues can be harder. Fortunately you can help each other through the rough stuff. That’s just what a partner is for. But it is easier to get to your destination if you have it in sight, so there are times to turn over and indulge awhile in a breaststroke. Look ahead. Keep swimming. Those happy memories you tucked away before will come in handy now to help you stay focused on the destination.

This swimming technique requires that you keep your chin up, so please do. Stay positive and try to have a happy outlook. Emotions are contagious so what you give out you should get back. Talking helps, start there. Backstroke a bit.

4. Lay Float

Sometimes though when it rains it really pours and you may need to take a time out and reevaluate. Seek counseling if you can’t work it out between yourselves. Your counselor should be a trained professional that isn’t a friend, relative or in-law of any kind. (Just saying.) How you take your time out is your choice, take some time out together or take some out apart. Bear in mind though that during that time you are not swimming in your love lake and just lay floating around, if you float for too long you are going to catch cramp, so it is advisable to get back to swimming quickly.  If all you can muster is to tread water some days then go for it, but do something to get the relationship back on track.

5. Break for the Shoreline

Your relationship will take you through a variety of swimming styles and external conditions will mean you’ll swim in varying currents. When the waters are really rough, you will need to rescue each other. However, if the waters are more rough than calm, I am very much a believer in rescuing yourself. Know when you are too tired to swim any longer and just get out the water, head for shore. 

I for one am standing on shore and I am quite content to be here, but I’ve got all my swim gear on, ready to run and hit off into the lake again should the opportunity arise. All I need now is the right swim partner to join me. (Sharks need not apply.) The shore is not such a bad place to be. There are plenty of us here and there’s a BBQ going. 

But if your lake is calm and your strokes are steady, stay in and swim on. And whatever you do, keep swimming.

Over and Out (Signs of the Times)

They left you.

Just up and packed, (or more confusingly, didn’t even bother to pack) and just up and left you. What the fuzzylumpkins.

Up. And gone.

And just like that your world comes crashing down.

You are hurt, disappointed, angry, confused, you feel betrayed, rejected, neglected. And confused. But the one thing you should not be, is surprised. And why not? Because if no one else did, even if they did not, you knew it was coming. You, knew.

Go ahead, shake your head, drop your jaw, be adamant, outraged even, use a variety of edited or unedited expletives to abuse my good nature and when you’re finished we’ll pick up where you jumped off, because like it or not, it’s true. You, knew.

Take a moment. Breathe. Pause. Ponder. Feel the cold chill of the frostbite of reality creep up from the small of your back, feather its cold touch across your shoulders and suddenly drop with an alarming audible thud into your gut. Swallow. Exhale. And then, slowly, slowly, accept. Yes. There it is. You knew.

Because there’s one unspoken truth that we all know and refuse to give voice to. The day that they left. The night. The moment. That was not the time that they left you. You got left a long time ago. That was just the day, the night, the moment, the deal was sealed. And now it’s official. You got left. 

If only you had seen the signs you could have been prepared. You could have donned your armor and Jimmy Choos (but of course, one must look the part) and been ready to do battle. But my dearest, the signs were there, you just chose to ignore them. 

If it starts wrong, it can only end wrong. Yes, I went all the way back to the beginning, sometimes that’s when the end got started. Where there things at the very start that kind of nagged at you? Things you were willing to ignore or maybe compromise on? Sure they were. And some of those things were okay. Some of those things were really not. Either severity you could probably have gotten through if, (stay with me here), if there were things you let go. (Ah hah!) The past can be like a lit stick of dynamite. You can’t help but see the glow of the wick, especially in the impending darkness but if either of you left that flame still glowing, even if ever so slightly, then at some point it is going to blow. Right up in your face. And on out the door. 

Little foxes grow up into raging bears. Foxes are not quiet by nature and when well fed can become roaring monsters. (Not to give bears a bad name but you get my drift). The little niggling, nagging, nonsense cannot be swept under the rug indefinitely. At some point that rug will get mighty lumpy and one misplaced step will bring all that dirt rushing out to your mutual horror and detriment. Deal with the issues as they come. If not you will suddenly discover you talk less and argue more. Feelings of frustration, separation and isolation become common place and you’d rather be alone and at peace than together and at war. Once you’ve dealt with those issues however, be sure to release them as they go. If not all you’re doing is packing them away, making moving out that much easier. 

The commit part in commitment gets omitted. As clear a sign as one can get, yet, the easiest one to bypass. Things change, people change, this is most certainly true. But in changing you should be growing together, not apart. If you are spending less and less quality time together and nothing is being done to solve that, the outcome is simple. Fail. Catastrophic error eminent. And that as they say, is that. 

You can, if so inclined, find ways to salvage your relationship. Providing that both of you still believe it is worth salvaging. Or you can (which I recommend) get over it, change gears, shift and move on. 

Ok, so you got left. I am sorry. It sucks. Toughen up, wise up and return to the battlefield. Next time around you will be better equipped to spot the signs early promising a positive outcome is already more likely in your favor. And just in case all still doesn’t go to plan, then perhaps you will be the one to pack it up and leave. Knowing when to shoot a limp horse is braver than trying to drag the near-dead body over the finishing line.

I’m sure by now the message has been delivered. Leave, breathe and let go.

Roger that captain. Over and out.