Love is a Lake - (5 Strokes of Survival)

For someone who loves blogging and who loves reading other people’s blogs, I’ve been doing a sucky job of maintaining my own. (Permission to agree granted, just don’t go agreeing with me aloud). It’s not an excuse (honest).  I know exactly why my blog became harder and harder to write. Actually, I didn’t stop writing, I just stopped posting my thoughts. But I digress. 

This blog is about love, happy, silly, quirky, funny, sometimes a little cynical, and even a little sad at times, but at the root of the matter there is an undying faith that love will pull though, all will be well and in the end, smiles, grins, kisses and goofy laughter in place, we’d all live happily ever after. 

But then my undying faith in love, well, it up and died and died in a most glorious fashion. (Cue violins.) As a result, I had little to blog about. (We can only do for the love of cute shoes and donuts so many times). So while I apologize to the faithful few who kept asking and hoping and cheering me on, who emailed with heart-aching lines to let me know you missed the blog and lost a ‘friend’, the true loss I assure you, was all mine. Blogs about love don’t work in the absence of the main subject. And my love is lost. (Or is hiding out in the witness protection program.)

Love is a beautiful thing. It is. I highly recommend it. It is a huge lake of liquid happiness unlike anything else we could ever hope to be so fortunate to experience. Given the chance to fall into it, go ahead. Plunge! Head first. Totally and completely surrender and wallow in it. 

But while you’re in there, you’re going to need to do some work. And perhaps this is where many of us go wrong. The focus is often so much on getting into the Love Lake that once you’re in you have no clue what to do. There is no need for all of us to go down together, so let’s see if we can work this out. Because if you dive into the pretty lake, content to tell all you’re in love and then do nothing, you will surely drown. And love will toss your lifeless limbs on the loveless shore to rot. 

When embarking on that whole love thing, on entering the warm and shimmery lake immediately start swimming. And to escape drowning at any point in time along the way, keep swimming. Here’s how.

1. Freestyle

When the waters are calm and everything is as it should be, enjoy that time and make the most of it. Immerse yourself in the love lake and each other but be sure to turn your head for air. Alternate how you turn your head to, sometimes look towards the other person at your side and take time to sometimes look away. Time together to build the relationship is just as important as time for yourself to build you. Too often we lose ourselves along the way and much later, in seeking to find that person we lost, we swim apart.

Set your boundaries and stay in lane, don’t let other swimmers cross your path or it will impede your flow. Keep each other in sight and safe, swim happily on together. This is the sweet part, why you got together in the first place. Remember these precious happy times and keep a mental list tucked away safe in your heart for the rainy days. If the tides shift, you can pull them out, dust them off, smile and swim on.

2. Backstroke

Keep communication flowing. The backstroke is a beautiful technique. You can breathe easily, look at the blue sky and feel the warm sunshine on your cheeks while gliding with easy strokes through the water. Nice as it is to swim sunny side up though, you can’t see what you are swimming into, so a companion to guide you with some verbal instruction is beneficial. Talk to each other.

Be honest, open and sharing. But all the while keep in mind it goes both ways, so be a good listener too. Don’t be judgmental or overly critical when giving your opinion and give your opinion. We may act like we have it all together sometimes but we don’t and feedback helps work things through and removes that lonely isolated feeling. Confide and be a good confidante. If the person you are with is not comfortable confiding in you, rest assured they will eventually find someone else to confide in.

Oh and ‘confidante’ should immediately convey the impression that intimate conversations between partners should remain confidential, but in case that escaped you then I’d like to point out that what is shared between two should stay between only two or you’ll be swimming in choppy waters.(Or in the witness protection program.)

3. Breaststroke

All days aren’t sunny ones and no one likes to gaze upon gray cumulonimbus while a torrential downpour slams you in the face. You will have your individual challenges and though sorting out your own is one thing, dealing with someone else's issues can be harder. Fortunately you can help each other through the rough stuff. That’s just what a partner is for. But it is easier to get to your destination if you have it in sight, so there are times to turn over and indulge awhile in a breaststroke. Look ahead. Keep swimming. Those happy memories you tucked away before will come in handy now to help you stay focused on the destination.

This swimming technique requires that you keep your chin up, so please do. Stay positive and try to have a happy outlook. Emotions are contagious so what you give out you should get back. Talking helps, start there. Backstroke a bit.

4. Lay Float

Sometimes though when it rains it really pours and you may need to take a time out and reevaluate. Seek counseling if you can’t work it out between yourselves. Your counselor should be a trained professional that isn’t a friend, relative or in-law of any kind. (Just saying.) How you take your time out is your choice, take some time out together or take some out apart. Bear in mind though that during that time you are not swimming in your love lake and just lay floating around, if you float for too long you are going to catch cramp, so it is advisable to get back to swimming quickly.  If all you can muster is to tread water some days then go for it, but do something to get the relationship back on track.

5. Break for the Shoreline

Your relationship will take you through a variety of swimming styles and external conditions will mean you’ll swim in varying currents. When the waters are really rough, you will need to rescue each other. However, if the waters are more rough than calm, I am very much a believer in rescuing yourself. Know when you are too tired to swim any longer and just get out the water, head for shore. 

I for one am standing on shore and I am quite content to be here, but I’ve got all my swim gear on, ready to run and hit off into the lake again should the opportunity arise. All I need now is the right swim partner to join me. (Sharks need not apply.) The shore is not such a bad place to be. There are plenty of us here and there’s a BBQ going. 

But if your lake is calm and your strokes are steady, stay in and swim on. And whatever you do, keep swimming.

Over and Out (Signs of the Times)

They left you.

Just up and packed, (or more confusingly, didn’t even bother to pack) and just up and left you. What the fuzzylumpkins.

Up. And gone.

And just like that your world comes crashing down.

You are hurt, disappointed, angry, confused, you feel betrayed, rejected, neglected. And confused. But the one thing you should not be, is surprised. And why not? Because if no one else did, even if they did not, you knew it was coming. You, knew.

Go ahead, shake your head, drop your jaw, be adamant, outraged even, use a variety of edited or unedited expletives to abuse my good nature and when you’re finished we’ll pick up where you jumped off, because like it or not, it’s true. You, knew.

Take a moment. Breathe. Pause. Ponder. Feel the cold chill of the frostbite of reality creep up from the small of your back, feather its cold touch across your shoulders and suddenly drop with an alarming audible thud into your gut. Swallow. Exhale. And then, slowly, slowly, accept. Yes. There it is. You knew.

Because there’s one unspoken truth that we all know and refuse to give voice to. The day that they left. The night. The moment. That was not the time that they left you. You got left a long time ago. That was just the day, the night, the moment, the deal was sealed. And now it’s official. You got left. 

If only you had seen the signs you could have been prepared. You could have donned your armor and Jimmy Choos (but of course, one must look the part) and been ready to do battle. But my dearest, the signs were there, you just chose to ignore them. 

If it starts wrong, it can only end wrong. Yes, I went all the way back to the beginning, sometimes that’s when the end got started. Where there things at the very start that kind of nagged at you? Things you were willing to ignore or maybe compromise on? Sure they were. And some of those things were okay. Some of those things were really not. Either severity you could probably have gotten through if, (stay with me here), if there were things you let go. (Ah hah!) The past can be like a lit stick of dynamite. You can’t help but see the glow of the wick, especially in the impending darkness but if either of you left that flame still glowing, even if ever so slightly, then at some point it is going to blow. Right up in your face. And on out the door. 

Little foxes grow up into raging bears. Foxes are not quiet by nature and when well fed can become roaring monsters. (Not to give bears a bad name but you get my drift). The little niggling, nagging, nonsense cannot be swept under the rug indefinitely. At some point that rug will get mighty lumpy and one misplaced step will bring all that dirt rushing out to your mutual horror and detriment. Deal with the issues as they come. If not you will suddenly discover you talk less and argue more. Feelings of frustration, separation and isolation become common place and you’d rather be alone and at peace than together and at war. Once you’ve dealt with those issues however, be sure to release them as they go. If not all you’re doing is packing them away, making moving out that much easier. 

The commit part in commitment gets omitted. As clear a sign as one can get, yet, the easiest one to bypass. Things change, people change, this is most certainly true. But in changing you should be growing together, not apart. If you are spending less and less quality time together and nothing is being done to solve that, the outcome is simple. Fail. Catastrophic error eminent. And that as they say, is that. 

You can, if so inclined, find ways to salvage your relationship. Providing that both of you still believe it is worth salvaging. Or you can (which I recommend) get over it, change gears, shift and move on. 

Ok, so you got left. I am sorry. It sucks. Toughen up, wise up and return to the battlefield. Next time around you will be better equipped to spot the signs early promising a positive outcome is already more likely in your favor. And just in case all still doesn’t go to plan, then perhaps you will be the one to pack it up and leave. Knowing when to shoot a limp horse is braver than trying to drag the near-dead body over the finishing line.

I’m sure by now the message has been delivered. Leave, breathe and let go.

Roger that captain. Over and out.

Hold me. Thrill me. Keep me.

I want an old-fashioned romance. Where we are the stars in a black and white film that moves the audience to sentimental, gushing tears. And the movie tickets will be handed out with (colour-coordinated) tissue boxes. The soundtrack must be played by a full orchestra (complete with harp). And will feature the likes of Marvin Gaye and (hark) even a little Anita Baker.  The illustrated novel version of our great romance will have butterflies and bunnies in the corners. And this will somehow seem perfectly acceptable. Oprah will come out of retirement just to add our publication to her book club. And we will graciously send her an autographed copy (and we won’t release this fact to the media.) Mills and Boon will blush at our midnight magic making (ahem). And the home videos celebrities make (and don’t intentionally release) will suddenly seem boring and amateurish. 

Hold me.

Bring me flowers at random, with a hand-written note that says “hi”. Not store bought, some yellow coloured stuff you plucked from the side of the road. And I won’t even recognize that my most-beautiful-flowers-I’ve-ever-seen weeds, still have the roots attached (and make me sneeze). Make me a double CD of love songs that tell me how you feel about me in B flat and E minor. And even ten years from now I won’t tell you that CD’s are outdated and I can only play them at the museum’s coffee shop on the world’s last remaining disk-man.

Thrill me.

Bring me doughnuts (chocolate covered with rainbow sprinkles) when I'm down.  Open the car door for me (be advised central locking does not count). Hold my hand in public. Touch my check softly with the back of your hand. Kiss my wrist sometimes when you greet me. Clip a funny comic and hand it to me, so you can be there to see when I smile. Tell me when I look pretty, (this should be often). Know when not to tell me when I don’t look my best. (Good luck with that). Hold me close in your arms to warm me when we go swimming in a too-chilly ocean with a soon-setting sun. Spend an hour in a hallmark store to find me the perfect card and on the envelope write “I think I wrote this in our future and sent it back to this very moment”.  (Yeah, I so love the corny stuff).

Keep me.

I don’t need all of it all the time, I don’t even need much of it most of the time, but I do want some of it some of the time. And here’s the thing, we all fall short. (Seriously.) So just in case you end up falling short, give it all you’ve got. Try for all of it, all of the time, if you fall short a little and make it most of the time, perfect. If you give it your all, all the time, fall short a lot and make it just a few times, still perfect.  But if you don’t give your all, and the half ditched attempt falls short, you fail. (Pause for effect). Catastrophic failure.

Thing is, you’re off to a good start (cue cheerleaders). Well you're reading a blog about love so you must be in the least, interested. I’m rooting for you because I want it too, a great romance, old-fashioned though it may be. We can even make each other a promise, hold me, thrill me and keep on keeping me and I’ll hold, you, thrill you and keep on keeping you. Because that’s all we want in any relationship isn’t it? To be held a little, thrilled a little and kept for long. And even perhaps, (if we're lucky), a few doughnuts and perhaps an old-fashioned romance.

 

Dry Cereal

For awhile we were the perfect pair. Anyone who says there's no such thing as perfect is simply incorrect, it exists. And when it was good, it was really good. It was, well, perfect. Like spaghetti and meat-balls, peanut butter and jelly, hotdogs and mustard, bacon and eggs, donuts with sprinkles, we were meant to be together. We were like crispy cereal and cold milk.

But things changed. The cereal started getting cold and the milk started turning sour. And when it was bad, it sucked.

Sounds familiar? All relationships go through this. Hasn't happened in your happy little relationship yet? Don't worry, you're not missing out, it's coming. For those who still believe in fairy tales, here's the translation for "happily ever after", Snow White runs off with Droopy and the Prince and Happy hook up. Welcome to reality.

Some relationships go through the changes earlier than others, some worse than others and most go through it repeatedly, but they all go through it. Why? Simple. People change. We like to think that's not the case, but it is. Circumstances change and circumstances change people. What you (plural, as in you the couple) were like before one of you lost a job, picked up a stray pet or read the other one's messages on Blackberry, (I don't recommend any of these if you can avoid it) is not what you are like now. The lack of money added pressure, the pressure made you miserable and the misery made you fight. The pet was cute enough, but old, tired and pooped on everything. The stray went everywhere with one of you (when the other wasn't invited) and the one who got left behind became insecure, suspicious and jealous, which lead to misery and of course, misery led to fighting. And those BB messages, well, they made the one who read them a little psychotic. Then you both got miserable, started fighting and ended up on an episode of 'Snapped'. (Just kidding.) (Sorta.)

Crap happens. Promise you, it does. They don't teach you this in school (or some other vital stuff you'd think is worthy of a mention) but in every relationship, crap happens. So there you are, your crispy cereal got left out on the counter, lost come of the crunch and then the milk sat next to the stove too long and started to go sour. (Sigh).

You can call it quits and move on. You can throw the milk down the drain and get a fresh batch. Shoot, you can even try a new flavour of milk or switch to soy. Go for it! But let's be honest, while this is perfectly easy for some, (oh the envy), for others, this will hurt so much you feel like you're trying to blow your kidneys out through your nose. That doesn't mean you can't walk away, just know that walking is not always the easy path.

Think what you have is worth saving? Then start churning! Make it work. Take that sour milk and make it into something else - butter, yogurt, ice cream, cottage cheese (does anyone eat cottage cheese?). It may not be what it was before, but that doesn't mean it can't still be good. I must caution however, that you are both going to need to agree on this. If not, one of you is going to feel pretty dumb a few months down the road and you may end up with other issues. So you've been churning and you got yourself a nice, smooth, velvety butter now, right? But who wants to eat butter and cereal? Yet you're surprised when partner moved on to toast... (Feel kinda silly now huh?) Still, for some, (those who churn together), this will work. Some will suddenly discover yogurt or ice cream covered in cereal with a little less crunch is exactly what they wanted. And some couples will repeat this process a few times during the course of their relationship and a lifetime later, still be happy.

But sometimes, though you didn't quit at the first sign of trouble, and though you were both willing to try and churn at it, sometimes, it just doesn't work. Sometimes cereal can be enjoyed alone, without adding milk to the equation. Sometimes that turning milk needs to work through a whole other process and perhaps become cheese. And in some cases, even though when it doesn't work it may hurt, keeping the cereal and milk separate may be best for both the cereal (that won't get soggy) and the milk (that's better off with cookies).

When asked, I will always tell you, at one point, we were the perfect pair. But for now, I'm keeping the cereal in the fridge. And for awhile, in my world, cereal will be served dry. 

A Walk in my Loveless Shoes

You don't love me anymore. You'll be quick to deny it, but it's true, you don't.

I don't know what I did, or didn't do, to cause it. I didn't 'mash your corns' as they say, nor did I cause them. (At least, not that I am aware of). I don't know how it happened or when, but I'll never forget moment I realised it. When I first realised the emptiness inside me would not be filled by you again. 

It didn't happen suddenly. I didn't feel that you loved me one minute and just didn't the next.  It was a gradual awakening to the realisation. Like the gradual darkening of sky as the sun sets behind horizon and the night settles over land. Actually, now I often ponder how long it took me to notice. How long did I look at the beautiful colours of setting sun and fail to notice the impending fall of darkness.

I first realised things had changed when you didn’t have time for anymore. Before I was the centre of your world, we were together all the time. But then you were always too busy, there was so much to do and there was so little time left over for us to be together. Later you promised. Always later. Only later never came.

I made excuses on your behalf, (at first) but that would soon pass. Sometime later, I’d come to see the truth. But the moment I knew for sure your love had faded, much like the setting sun, was the last time I saw you. There was something so final in your step as you walked away. Then I saw the colourful sky was merely illusion, a reflection of nothing but dimming light. We had walked together but somehow I knew you were now going to walk a different path, a path without me.

I cling to memories of a better time. And glorious times we had. I even believe that for awhile we were happy. The loss of your love pains me. There’s emptiness in my inner sole where you once were. But I wish you well, wherever you go, may all your steps be filled with love, a love which is unlike mine, is always returned.

Love always,

Your (Last) Non-designer Shoes