You
are in love. You have found your soul mate. You couldn’t quite put your finger
on it, couldn’t formulate the words to describe it, but you always knew that
something inside you was missing, until now. Now that missing part of your
inner being has been found and slotted securely into place and you are finally
whole. Deeply, madly, passionately and forever. Cue the drum-roll, strike up
the violins and then punch out the fireworks. Love is here!
There’s
only one little problem. Well not so much of a problem, just a minor
inconvenience really. Nothing that can’t be overlooked. Your soul mate, your
inner being, the shoelace to your sneaker and the fries to your Whopper combo,
your love, just so happens to be taken, in a relationship, engaged or even
married, to someone else.
But
this is ok. Nothing to worry about. Because as long as it’s love, true love,
which clearly this is, then there’s nothing wrong about it. Right? Well I hate to
break it to you but if that is your final answer, you are incorrect. Fail.
Catastrophically.
You
can spin it any way you like, call it love, souls connecting, the answer to
your prayers even, but as long as when you found that person they were involved
with someone else, then someone or someones (yes plural) are going to
get hurt. And depending on the role you play in this unsanctioned trinity, the
one you risk hurting the most, damaging beyond all repair, is you.
The
whole glorification of the modern liaison is scandalous indeed. The
highly acclaimed-should-be-multi-award-winning dramatic series Scandal,
boasts the grandest illegitimate love affair of our time since Scarlett
O’Hara and Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind. Set against a
political background, the not-to-be-missed weekly installation in our lives
raises the still sensitive subject of inter-racial relationships (I’ll cover
that juicy topic later) and has seemingly provided justification for the
philanderers of the world to unite in solidarity and claim love sometimes makes
good people do bad things, like cheat.
The
affair has become disconcertingly commonplace in our society. The mention of an
‘outside’ relationship will hardly cause any one to bat a well mascaraed
eyelash these days and to make headlines one needs to do more than merely take
a romp or 12 around the town. (Although 13 and over for an American
politician is professional suicide. Ask Anthony Weiner.) Yet while the
practice is somewhat run of the mill, it remains heavily frowned upon and is by
no means considered acceptable.
This
topic has many far-reaching implications and I know many of you hold a baited
breath to see whose side I’m going to take in the matter. Allow me to burst
your bubble and issue the spoiler way too early, I’m not taking any side. Well,
maybe I am… but your point of view on an affair will hinge on which end of this
gone-wrong deal you stand on. (Or whose well-made bed you lay in.) So
we’re going to break it down in stages and take it a bit at a time and you will
form your own judgment and decide how the silk sheets will fall.
Let
me warn you that I’ve used our beloved Scandal characters for this illustration
which may be sensitive for some of you. Well Mellie is perhaps not best
described as beloved, but I digress. Therefore before your pick up
your pitchforks and head over to my neighborhood allow me to profess my undying
love for the show and also for Olivia. And her wardrobe. (But of
course).
The Internal Offender – The Fitzgerald Grant
There
you were, minding your own business and seemingly content if not happy in your
existing relationship when wax, palax, bruggadung brax, you looked around twice
and somehow landed yourself in a hot freaking mess of an affair. (Stop
grinning. I am not praising you for this accomplishment.)
Whether
it was intentional or not, which most times it isn’t, you’ve got some decisions
to make. Stay with the original party or cross the floor and join the party of
the seconder. But pick a side. Or start an independent party. Remember that
famous line about not being able to have your cake and eat it too? That applies
here.
The External Offender – The Olivia Pope
I
know no-one ever says ‘Oh poor Mellie’ (well it is Mellie after all and
she’s a real expletive character), still no one is signing up to take a
long walk in the designer heels of the first lady. Why? (And no it’s not
because we don’t like her style of shoes.) It is because no one wants to be
on the receiving end of that heartache. Forget diet pills, working out and
Weight Watchers, if you want to drop 10 pounds in 3 days all one needs is to
find out that you are ‘tekking a horn’*. (Translation for non-Barbadian
community – discover your partner is *having an affair).
If
you’re not willing to eat the meal then you shouldn’t be willing to dish it up.
Because karma is real and karma knows where you live. But I’m not playing fair
am I? Because Olivia is in love, we know this without a doubt, so therefore her
situation is different. Right? I can feel your stunned horror and hear your
aghast thoughts - ‘but this is Olivia, we love Olivia!, Olivia can do no wrong.’
But yeah, turns out she can.
Even
if you are the great Olivia Pope, (whose services Weiner should probably
retain) the affair is wrong however you spin it and if I may be so bold to
point out, you are not Olivia
Pope.
What’s more, that pre-used-washed-up-not-yours-boyfriend/fiancĂ©/husband/partner
you’ve been dragging around (behind the scenes) is not President
Fitzgerald Grant. (Don’t you wish.) So when examining the scenario
as it applies to your specific situation be sure to compare apples with apples.
Dating a president? No? Then get over it.
Again,
you will need to decide how you’d like to script your ending. I am sure you
recall the episodes where Olivia was lonely, sipping red wine alone while
elegantly clad in her signature white. And the episodes where she was
frustrated with this isolation. Or the ones where she was hurt by having to
watch the man she loves in his proudest moments with his wife by his side while
looking on from a distance…and so on and so forth. Should you choose to stick it
out, it is not a permanently happy path you trod. Well a relationship never is
a permanently happy path so it is best not to add any further complications
from inception. Also keep in mind that sometimes the offended have a craving
for the demise of the offending party and said offended may be able to afford a
friend like Huck to converse with you. (As if Huck converses.) Should
you decide to call it quits, keep it classy and quiet. Make your exit as
gracious and memorable as your entrance was.
The Offended – The Mellie Grant or The Mrs. Fitzgerald
Grant
You
hold all the cards. It may not seem like it at the time but how this all pans
out hinges on how you choose to deal with it. Or not deal with it. (This is
assuming you find out while the game is still in play.)
You
can: endure in silence (but why?), confront (peacefully!) and
attempt resolution, or tell the whole sorry lot where to get off and move on
with your life. Bearing in mind always that if you took option two, the attempt
to seek a resolution needs to embraced by Fitz too, because if he wants his
Olivia, he will have his Olivia and all the Mellies of the world will have to,
as we say, suck salt. Also note that the confrontation is linked to a the
attempt at resolving the relationship, if you know that is not your intention
then a confrontation is perhaps an unnecessary aggravation and little else. Go
you way.
The Outcome
Many
that are in this position really had no intention of being there, irregardless
of the role you play. Usually no one sets out to identify a subject, plan a
comprehensive strategy and implement an aggressive assault to start an affair. (Unless
you are on Days of Our Lives.)
That
said, you don’t have to encourage it from the outset, or once that ship has
sailed you don’t have to prolong it at the end. While the affair may serve to
fulfill something in your life that your other relationship does not, (well
that’s the whole point isn’t it) the affair itself will create issues that
have far-reaching implications regardless of outcome. If you can, I recommend
avoiding the affair from the beginning, it is always best to continue Keeping Affairs to Yourself. If the
relationship ends, there will be heartache, if it continues there will be trust
issues and I’m barely skimming the surface. However you look at it, no one
really wins. Not even if you are the President.
Good
luck!
(And I wish you a happy Scandal.)